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The Feat Factory

Billy Connolly

I am not sure if I like this or not

In the Victorian era, an orgasm was considered a form of treatment for women suffering from “Hysteria”. A doctor would massage a woman till she climaxed. Some women took hours to do so and doctors didn’t always find the job exciting. Many of the doctors were exhausted at the end of the treatment. Soon clever inventors made steam powered mechanical devices to do the job. The poster below probably shows such a steam powered device (the worlds first vibrator ?).

A poster from 1849. This Victorian steam powered vibrator would be started by the Doctor to treat the woman for “hysteria”. When the wheel turned, it moved the rubber massager back and forth. The woman then would place herself in front of it.

WHITE WOMEN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date: You get terrific head.

Second Date: You get even more great head.

Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMEN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.

Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you’ve already realized nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date: She’s pregnant.

Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father’s girlfriend’s mother, her two cousins, her sister’s Boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

ARAB WOMEN:

First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire arab community finds out.

Second Date: You are shot dead.

No third date.

******

It’s nice to be working again and this week has been a very busy one, we have litteraly been up to our armpits in transsexuals for days. I am posting you a little taste of what we have been shooting you can see lots of our work here.

The music industry continues on it’s crash course with the porno industry, Christina Aguilera gets more and more naked with every photo shoot, how long will it be before she is showing pink? Beyonce recently had a clothing malfunction and showed her tits to an entire audience, accident? Was it also an accident that a guy with a video camera was there to record the occasion and post it all over the web?
Who can tell the difference between a music star and a Porn star anymore? Mariah Carey’s stuff is all over the web and as for Britney Spears her public behavior sets new lows for porn stars to live down to.
So what do the guys do in light of all this flesh being revealed? Shoot uncensored versions of their videos filled with naked girls and release them on the web is one answer. Here are two you might like to see, the first is called Mobile Pimp

The next one though is the real ‘biggie’ here is P.I.M.P. by 50 Cent featuring Snoop Dog, G-Unit and a shit load of naked broads.

I am not a great lover of Techno music but I do like sexy girls, so it seems does Russian DVJ Bazuka. Producer, composer of innovative club music, director of musical sexual-extravaganza video clips and presenter of what is reportedly the best DVJ-show in the world. she stands alone in the Techno club world.
She first exploded on to the scene in 2005 with her “Sex Energy” tour and has since then produced 3 more tours of a similar nature culminating recently in the enormously popular new “Sexplosive and Sextravagant” tour which has spawned her first album of the same name.
Her shows mix music video and live dancers simultaneously, using the top Russian models and dancers wearing fetish clothes from Russia’s best designers. The internet today proliferates with more than one hundred of her self produced and directed video clips here are just a few samples of her work.

Discoteka

Voodoo

Surrender

Melissa

Sexy Paradise

Dirty Sex

Turn it up

No Control

Chupa Girlz

I found this site today that I think is really clever. The collection of pictures is nothing to write home about, the usual turn of the century French Postcard stuff, I have thousands of images much better in my collection but the website is one of the most creative I have seen in this genre. It consists of an old photograph album and you can use your mouse to turn the pages to see more pictures. Very clever!

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, “I would like to join this damn church.”
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!”
“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.”
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor’s study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no damn problem,” the man says. “I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. ”
“I see,” said the pastor. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, “Who the hell was that?”
“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”
“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce.”
“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don’t get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus’s in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours.”
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
“Who’s that woman with Jim?” asks the wife.
“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.
“Ours is prettier,” she replies.

So, why would any red blooded male need an owner’s manual for his private parts? There’s nothing to program, no wires to splice. If something goes wrong, you just, well, uh… ask your cousin Barry, who studied medicine for a year before buying that ice-cream van.

To be honest, most men don’t have a clue as to what’s going on down there. We pee, zip, tuck, scratch, rub! and, if were lucky, make love. All in uninformed bliss. We fully expect the thing to perform flawlessly for 70 plus years without any maintenance beyond a daily lather.

But inevitably, something goes wrong, whether it’s a line drive up the middle during a company softball game or a lusty command to snap to attention that goes unheeded. And when it does, we men are befuddled, embarrassed, terrified - so much so that we often postpone seeking professional help until the pain or anxiety becomes unbearable.

It is with this level of ignorance in mind that I decided to offer up this manual, a do-it-yourselfer’s guide to understanding, maintaining and troubleshooting the one eyed bald headed trouser lodger, AKA, your privates. But because I know that listening to a urologist (dick doctor) would be dull to say the least so this guide is organised just like the manual you got with your nice new car.

More.

So Bucky, you’ve found a vagina but you don’t know how to use it. Unfortunately, vaginas do not come with instructions, proper lighting or air fresheners. Well, you came to the right place. Your Uncle Melon has invested years in exhaustive field work and is willing to spread this knowledge to all. The most important thing to remember is that the vagina was specially designed by God to make your penis feel good.

OK. Last night, I gave the babe I was with a few orgasms so she would fall asleep, or it could’ve been the roofies. I got a flashlight, paper and pencil and I drew this diagram for you. Then I prettied it up in Photoshop. Look at it closely. See that replica 1999 NY Yankees World Series ring? With that ring and $30 for frozen daquiris, all the mysteries of the vagina will be solved.Put on the ring and your best threads and head uptown to Jimmy’s Chicken Shack. Locate the best looking mamacita in the place, offer to buy her a drink and mention in an offhand way that you are Chuck Knoblach, former member of the World Champion New York Yankees. She’ll respond with the standard, “Do you know Derek Jeter?” You tell her that you and Derek are best buds and that you’re having dinner tomorrow night with him at Daniels and would she like to be your date. She will be yours. Wait 2 weeks and repeat. She will be yours again.Important Parts
The Clitoris (rhymes with Deloris, and Lavoris)- also known as the man in the boat, the clit, the love button, the budgie’s tongue and the magic button that will open her thighs. This is where you’ll be expected to spend a significant part of the night, so bring ideas for killing time. One way is to try and guess the different smells. One might be her laundry detergent, another last night’s dinner. Some women like humming at this point - and I hum “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” and refer to it as the seventh inning stretch. I understand some women will actually orgasm upon clitoral contact. Please confirm in an email if this should happen to you.Different Types of Vaginas
There are probably different types of vaginas but quite frankly who cares? Nobody has ever thrown a babe out of bed because her vagina wasn’t cute. Once you’ve determined that there is, in fact, a vagina present, get the party started. There are however different ways of decorating the vagina. I found these helpful diagrams at the National Institute of Health.

A Hairless Peach aka A Wood Floor Go back and check her I.D. Its OK? You the man!	Hitler’s Moustache Did you pick her up at a strip joint? No? She may be a professional. Be prepared to pay dearly or risk getting beat up by her pimp.

Nicely Trimmed Triangle A nice girl. She cares enough to keep it neat but she’s not working her way through college by wiggling it in old guy’s faces.	The Oscar Gamble You either love it or you hate it. I was raised on them so I just keep a box of dental floss next to the rubbers and dive in head first!

This is the vagina of a “modern woman.” Note the way the ovaries are flexing like a body builder, mocking you. Fortunately, as can plainly be seen, the canal is ribbed for your enjoyment. Discuss NPR, how much you respect women, and keep telling her you’re not interested in sex right up until the point you cum inside her. Then get the hell out and watch Monday Night Football.Do you find all this talk about vaginas too complicated? God knew you would so he created something that avoids all of this nonsense. The hand. The most important thing to remember is that the hand was specially designed by God to make your penis feel good.

So Suzie-Q, you’ve found a penis but you don’t know how to use it. Well, lucky for you I have a penis and I have spent a good part of my life using it. The most important thing to remember is that the penis was specially designed by God to make your vagina feel good. Unfortunately, God did a shitty design job and he attached the penis to a man - so the chances of a penis making you feel good are infinitesimal.While God did a lousy job where you’re concerned, making the guy who owns the penis happy is as easy as Betty Crocker Brownies in a Pan. All you really have to do is look at it, talk about it or lightly graze it, and you’ve probably done a good enough job.Let’s make this clear right up front. If I was a woman I wouldn’t go anywhere near a penis. I’d get myself dolled up real nice and find me a lipstick lesbian and a top of the line vibrator and never think about penises again. Better yet, if, by the grace of God, I turned out to be a lipstick lesbian, I would get myself a vibrator and a mirror and never leave my bedroom.But you want to meet a nice guy and eventually you will be forced to deal with his penis so here’s a diagram of a penis I found on the internet.Whoa, that’s no good. Unless you look like Joe Torre with tits you’ll never see a penis like that, so let’s not waste our time. Here’s another diagram.Sweet merciful crap! What the hell is that! It might be what’s called an uncircumcised penis. If you see one of these, run like hell. It’s filled with diseases and something called smegma and what the hell are you doing going out with a guy who doesn’t have the common decency to get rid of his foreskin for you. What the hell is a corpus spongisum? It’s fun to say but I’m pretty sure that my dick doesn’t have one.If you want it done right, do it yourself. That’s Halle Berry posing with a life-size model of my penis that’s housed at the Smithsonian Institute.Seriously, though if you want to use a penis correctly, let’s recall that lesson they taught us in health class back in Junior High. Who can forget the “Triangle of Sexual Pleasure”?Friction: Your partner will undoubtedly have his preference, but don’t be afraid to use your own judgement too. Provide said friction with your hand, oral cavity, or perhaps your breasts pressed together. This latter method might lead to what the kids call a “pearl necklace.” Lubrication: If you are actually interested in your partner, it may be possible that natural mucus lubrication is formed in your vaginal canals. In lieu of this, you might try any one of a number of commercial preparations. In a pinch, saliva can come in handy and it might appear that you are “hungry” for your partner. Finally, over-the-counter personal hygiene products such as hand lotions are a possibilty. Remember, never use shampoo, stick to the conditioner! Privacy: Today’s couples are not as concerned about the level of privacy required for the use of genitalia. This will depend on your own preference and blood alcohol level. For example, using one’s hand under a table at McDonalds might be acceptable for some couples, but not for others - using ketchup as a lubricant makes this a “Happy Meal.”My favorite part of health class was always the films that provided “real life” examples. Uncle Melon has provided the following scenario for you to learn more about penises and vaginas and how they interact in polite society. I call it, Go, Genitalia. Go!At this point, the penis finds its hand, and the vagina finds its vibrator and everyone lived happily ever after. The End.

Stolen from www.unclemelon.com

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