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So how was your weekend?
Mine started out on Wednesday when DJ, my Lawyer supreme, called me and said,
“You need come back to Pattaya the police chief is coming back from holiday on Friday and something might happen.”
I said goodbye to my hotel room overlooking the wire fence between Thailand and, well, and another country. I thought twice about bringing the Commando heavy duty wire cutters and decided to leave them with hotel reception incase I came back.
Flying back into Bangkok airport is a ‘fuck you’ experience.
How so?
Well the taxi fare from Pattaya to the airport is 850 Baht but the fare from the airport to Pattaya is 1300 Baht, it pisses me off every time.
I arrived in the early hours of Saturday morning and took a cab to The Queen Victoria Pub The night security guard was waiting to open the back door for me and emerged from the shadows as the cab pulled up in the alley.
There must have been 20 Ladyboys hanging out,
“Hello John”
“We love you John”
“You have never shot me I am a superstar can I come to your room?”
“I want to suck your dick, John!”
“Thank you ladies” I said “It’s been a long flight I’ll see you all tomorrow.”
The guard showed me to my room, it was 4 am I had a meeting with DJ at 1 pm. I slept fitfully for a few hours then gave up and watched a lousy movie on HBO.
After breakfast I rented a motorcycle and drove to Starbucks in the IT centre for coffee, it was just like coming home.
“Well John I have good news and bad news” said DJ
“The good news is I have your computer and camera here, the police chief was afraid to keep it in the police station any longer he was afraid it would get stolen”
“???, wha…??… OK, and the bad news?”
“They are still delaying charging you”
“What the fuck”
“They want to know where your blog is registered and where the server is”
“In America”
“Good that makes their case weaker they think you are operating out of Thailand”
“Well I’m not”
“Did you remove all of the stories you wrote about Prostitutes and sex bars?”
“And you left the ads and links”
“I did but I’m not sure why”
“Because they don’t want you telling the world that we have prostitutes here in Thailand and if they decided to read your stories they might have further charges against you, but to remove the ads and links would be an admission of guilt, so they must stay”
“OK, so now what”
“Well they have 3 months before they have to charge you but the longer they delay it the better for you, it means their case is weak”
“What are my chances?”
“Well if they have a good case which they don’t you could go to jail for 3 years”
I suddenly start thinking about those wire cutters.
“Most likely they will fine you and deport you”
“But that has its own complication. First they will arrest you and put you back in jail a day before the trial. You will plead guilty and be fined, Then you are turned over to Immigration for deportation, but that could take a week or more to process and you can not get bail from the Immigration police, so you could be looking at another week in jail.”
“Any other choices?”
“Well you might be able to make a deal and have the charges dropped”
“The time is not right, yet”
I have had this wart growing on my inner thigh for several weeks now, it is currently 3 inches long and hurts like a mother-fucker. For the last week I have had this whore, sorry, young Thai girl, painting it with acid so that it is half hanging off and hurts so bad I can hardly walk.
This seemed like the perfect time to go to the hospital.
Chuck Wow was with me and really wanted to see them cut me open. We went to The Bangkok Pattaya Hospital and entered the marble halls of the new Dermatology Building.
This place is a cross between the George V Hotel in Paris and one of those palaces that CNN made such a fuss about in Iraq. There are hundreds of ladies in beige linen suits with brown scarves tied at the neck with a rosette running around.
Terrified at the potential cost I am shown in to an office for a consultation with a doctor.
She is gorgeous, small, cute and funny. I want to bang her but it seems inappropriate.
One thing I pride myself on is I can tell the country of origin of any Asian girl, Thai, Japanese, Korean I can spot them in a heartbeat.
She is Japanese and I wonder what she is doing in this hospital, Thais don’t like the Japanese.
“You’re Japanese aren’t you?”
“No, 100% Thai by birth country, 100% Chinese by parents” she said.
“Yes I thought so” I replied
She looked at my wart and shrieked silently.
“That needs to come off”
“If you think that’s horrible you should see the nodules growing under my arms” why can’t I keep my mouth shut!
The outcome was I had surgery Saturday afternoon and again Sunday morning. She removed the wart from my leg, 30 nodules from under my right arm, 12 nodules from under my left arm and 3 from my ass. Each one required a separate injection with the biggest fattest needle in Asian, cutting with scissors and then cauterizing with a laser.
There was one wonderful moment when one of the beige suited ladies was holding my ball sac out of the way of the laser, there were two nurses in tight little uniforms looking at my nuts and I started to think I was in one of my movies. An erection started take effect, the doctor giggled, she was soooooooo cute, the nurses were poking each other and pointing, the lady in the suit flushed red and ran from the room.
Saturday night I lay in bed in agony feeling pretty miserable when Jessica my beautiful wife called me from Brazil, she had had a domestic accident and hurt her new breasts and wanted to know if she could go to the ATM and draw out some money for antibiotics. She called back 30 minutes later, 3 pre-teen street kids were hanging around the ATM, they grabbed my 4 year old daughter and held a knife to her throat until Jessica drew $500 out of each of our three accounts, then they ran off, she still had no money for antibiotics. Jessica was hysterical it took 20 minutes to calm her down, after that I went back to bed and cried for awhile.
Sunday after surgery I changed locations, DJ doesn’t want the police to know where I am so I have to move every 2 days.
I had dinner at Zen my favorite Japanese restaurant in the Royal Garden Plaza and I noticed how easily I slide into the booth.
“I must be loosing weight” I thought “I’ll take a look when I get home”
That night before bed I stripped naked and looked down, I saw two pudgy things protruding from my legs with stubby digits on them.
“My god” I cried “those are my feet”
This stress has stopped me from eating for several weeks now and the effects are just kicking in, then suddenly as if it were a gift from god and for no apparent reason I started to get an erection.
“That’s odd” I thought.
Then I saw it, poking out from under the somewhat reduced mound of flesh clinging to my long forgotten waist line was a pink and purple bell shaped fleshy mound of manhood.
Hello” I said “I haven’t seen you for a few years”
It didn’t answer! Perhaps just as well.

Posted by John • 07:20 AM