Archive: November 2006

It's summer in Brazil, you can tell 'cos it rains every day, and it's hot, really hot, not nice sunny hot like California, not even sticky Miami hot, it's just fucking hot, particularly at night. Air conditioning fucks up my sinuses so I sleep with the windows open. Last night the first wave of natures revenge dive bombed my prostrate ample body for the entire duration of my nights repose. Engorged with my life blood the little fucker dragged his fat bloated belly over the windowsill and plummeted to his death 12 floors below, poetic huh?
All day I have been scratching my ass, my gut, behind my knees, and the red spot on the end of dick that tells me the mosquito was gay.

Today I am shooting dialogue with 6 people who don't speak English and chowing down on the Brazilian National Dish, ham and cheese sandwiches, actually that's not true, they only eat ham and cheeses sandwiches for breakfast and snacks during the day, sometimes they toast them to vary their diets.

It's actually Feijoada (pronounced fes-ju-ward-a) that's the National dish and Marcos says we we are having that for dinner tonight. If you really must know it's a buffet of 10 or more different cuts of pork and ham cooked in black sauces in large black cauldrons and served over rice and black beans, with a weird green vegetable and fried pork rinds. It looks disgusting and tastes a little that way too, but curiously enough it is quite addictive. Brazilians eat it every Wednesday and Saturday, why? I have no idea.

A couple more days and I will be back in LA facing all of the people I promised money too as soon as I got back from India.
If I owe you money don't be surprised if I don't call you right away.
Now I have to go, they are bringing in the Feijoada and the trannies get pushy if you try to jump the line.

So it's official, we have been fucked, the guy in India stole our money and the trip has been aborted. Mr. Big is upset about the money he lost, I am upset about the 14 weeks (unpaid) of preparation. It is going to be a very lean Christmas in the T. Bone Households this year.
I spent most of yesterday Photoshoping penis's onto pictures of
Mrs. T. Bone, she wasn't amused. Last night I cleared out the living room and shot some spectacular pictures of the baby.
This morning I realized I am now shooting baby pictures, this can't go on.
I called Continental and booked a flight to LA,
"You can get me there 2 days earlier on Copa? I'll wait"

So that's it, a huge financial loss, a total waste of time, now what?
Fucked if I know.

A quick mention here, since Time Warner took over my Internet my life has been miserable. So it is no surprise to learn that they have an anti-spam program that prevents you from sending emails from anywhere but your registered address.
William, I have been trying to email you for over 2 weeks and when I finally used my friends email account the fucking thing came back 'mail box full' you really are a pisser.
Chris Mann I will reply to your really nice letter, and Melissa, god only knows what you have been up to.

Here is a picture of Mrs. T. Bone

Now you can see why I come to Brazil

It's 7 am Sunday morning and the whole wide world is still asleep! So let's play catch up.
Tuesday
I arrived at the airport at 12:30 in plenty of time for my 3 o'clock flight to Houston, a short 90 minute wait and on to Sao Paulo. The nice lady at the check in said "There's a tiny delay on your Huston flight it's running about 2 hours late."
"Will that affect my connection" no brain surgeon I.
"You will arrive at 8:50 pm your connecting flight leaves Houston at 8:22 pm"
"Is that a problem?"
"Only if you want to get to Sao Paulo tomorrow"
"I do, can you send me via Newark?"
"That flight is delayed also"
"This is Continental Airlines isn't it"
"Yes Sir"
"The on time airlines"
"That's only in the commercials sir"
"So what can I do"
"You can try again tomorrow or we can fly you to Huston put you up in a hotel for the night and we can book you on tomorrows flight"
"9 0'clock tomorrow night?"
"Yes sir"
"24 hours wait in Huston?"
"Yes sir"
A lady in a red jacket walked by,
"The Sao Paulo flight is fully booked tomorrow night"
The look of abject terror on my face must of scared them as they walked to the end of the counter and talked in whispers.
They came back with a very large black lady as back up.
"This is what we can do Mr. T Bone, we can fly you to Huston, put you up in a Hotel and most likely get you on tomorrows flight to Sao Paulo"
"That flights already overbooked" said the large black lady who was suppose to be the muscle.
They both tried to shush her.
"So I might have to wait in Huston for 2 days?"
They all ignored me
"Can you put me on another airline?"
They all dived for computer keyboards and 30 fingers hammered out a plea for John.
There's a midnight flight on Copa Airlines to Panama and a connecting flight to Sao Paulo gets you in 9 pm tomorrow.
"I'll take it" I cried with relief
"We can't transfer you" said the big black lady as the lady in the red jacket disappeared
"Why not"
"It's a weather related delay"
"Yes?"
"We can't transfer you to another airline for a weather related delay"
"But you can't get me there?"
"Not tomorrow"
"But they can" I was whining now
"Yes sir"
"So why can't you transfer me to an Airline that can actually get me to where I want to go on the day I want to get there instead of making me wait in Huston for 2 days?"
Then she said the one thing that makes me crazy, it is the standard American Corporate excuse for justifying all stupidity
"It's company policy, sir"
My face turned red and steam started to come out of my ears.
"The only person that can override that is the lady in the red jacket, sir"
"The one that left as soon as I asked about being transferred?"
"Yes sir"
Then I played my masterstroke, I showed her a picture of my wife and daughter
"I haven't seen them in 4 months and it is my daughters birthday in 2 days"
"How old is she?'
"She will be four"
Suddenly I caught a glimpse of pity in her eye,
"I'll go and ask for you, sir"
I looked at the clock I had been at the check in desk for over an hour.
Finally she came back with Red jacket walking 20 paces behind.
"Good news Mr. T Bone we can put you on the midnight flight with Copa"

Ten hours later I boarded what appeared to be a piece of aero nautical history, I wouldn't say the plane was old but they set up a 16mm projector to show the movie.
I have left out the part about standing in line for 2 hours behind large Hispanic women with 20 or 30 plastic wrapped bundles of clothing disguised and bouncing bombs, and my keen observation that nobody on the flight was actually checking in luggage, only cardboard boxes held together with duck tape.
This was COPA the official Panamanian Airline 'We don't need no stinking suitcases'
I took my seat, thankful to be here, shut up and heard no English for 15 hours, except for the lady in Panama who informed me that there could be problems in the Sao Paolo airport as everybody was on strike there.
It took me 7 hours to clear customs last time they had a strike.
This flight landed at 9 pm to a deserted airport, I breezed through passport control, picked up my bags and was crying like a baby on the current Mrs. T Bone's shoulder by 9:15.

Thursday
I came to Brazil to put my team together and leave for India in about a week. Confirming schedules, getting visa's, booking flights, that kind of shit. I wasn't even phased to learn my lead guy was in Argentina and not coming back until the 20th, the day I had earmarked for our departure. Then Mr. Big called,
"We have a small problem."
"What might that be" I asked nervously
"Our guy in India"
"Yes"
"Haven't heard from him in over a week"
"Have you called him?"
"Can't get through"
"Did you sent him money?"
"Yes"
"Do you think he has fucked us?"
"Don't know"
"What should we do?"
"Don't know, I'll call you Monday"
"Monday?"
He hung up.
I went to give the news to my beautiful young wife, she was standing in the middle of the bedroom frazzled, our soon to be 4 year old daughter had just washed the new digital camera I had bought her in the toilet so there she stood, dripping camera in hand, asking her god, why?
"Will it hurt the camera?" she asked, she knew the answer of course she just wanted me to make it all Ok. To make her feel better we went to buy a SIM card for the new cell phone she had waited so patiently for. Everybody in the shop crowed round to see the new miracle of Japanese technology dressed up as an American slide cell phone, we held our collective breath as the young shop nerd inserted the chip and collectively sighed as the phone said "wrong chip inserted" This was a big fuck you to all dumb ass Americans that think they can buy overpriced American goods and then use them in other countries.
I spent the rest of the day taking pictures of my beautiful wife and baby monster and apart from the problems I had with the camera, the lights that wouldn't work and my computer that wouldn't download the pictures and instead kept wiping the memory card clean so that I had to keep taking the same pictures over and over again exasperating us all but mostly the soon to be 4 year old who didn't want her picture taken in the first place.

Friday.
After hours with a hairdryer I finally got my wife's new camera to work, though all of the fingers on my left hand have burn blisters on them.
The doorman in our building knew a guy who knew a guy who knew a guy who could fix the cell phone so it now works perfectly and even has had the menu language changed to Portuguese, fuck you T Mobile, and the Ipod I bought has brought new bliss to our marriage. My wife sleeps with the earphones inserted into her perfect shell like ears and sleeps with her favorite music playing, for the first time we both wake up in the same bed in the morning, normally my snoring drives her into the living room in the wee small hours of the morning and I spend breakfast apologizing, so it hasn't been all bad has it.

Oh and I forwarded some emails to Melissa including a very nice one from Christian Mann who had lost contact with her years ago.
So there you go, I will spend the weekend cooking and playing with my family and keeping my fingers crossed for Monday.

I have finally convinced Melissa that her pattern of dating, living with/marrying abusive men is not good for her, at 41 years of age she is ill equipped to find a normal nice guy to go out with, so here is the competition: click on the contact tab at the top of the page and write a short note to Melissa telling her how you are a single, normal guy (with a job and a car) and can offer her a drama free, drug free, simple, normal night out that you will pay for. If there is a winner I will announce him soon, if you lie I will hunt you down and eat you.
Now I am leaving for the airport, so my next post will be from Brazil.
Bye

More from Melissa,,,,,,,,,

The ketchup poem (of sorts) is from a show that was on MTV Syfl n Olly. They were sock puppets, but it was from a puppet Chester. I began to check out other peoples sig files and it seemed people were quoting Yeats, Bukowski & Dickinson and I would ask them what poems they had gotten the quotes from and they did not know. They went to a site that is just quotes from different writers. So I decided to find one of the dumbest poems I could, the rest is history.........................I used to do my ex boyfriends laundry, I would starch and iron his shirts, I cooked, cleaned, and I worked. He decided that he liked to look at teen porn on the Internet instead of touching me.........................The reason he is my ex. He did not want to have sex with me he wanted to have sex with his sister again and his two daughters. I have a homing device that picks up jackasses!.................... I only choose the best jackasses! At least I did not marry this last one. He wanted to marry me, I found out that not only was he fucked up sexually but he lied about who and what he was. He claimed he was a Navy SEAL. I started noticing he was not physically fit to have been anything except a liar. There was a website authenaseal.org I emailed and asked if he was and I got an email back saying that they did not even have any SEAL's with his last name, which by the way is Smith........................I brought home the email that I had printed out and he looked at it and told me that those people were lying and that he was going to have them call me the next day to tell me the truth. I said my sister and I made that up when we did not want to go to school we would call saying we were my mother....................I cannot believe sometimes what has gone on in my life, sometimes I do not believe it myself. I should write a book I am sure Oprah would love it.

I have nothing to add.

Is that really you? This is really me!

That was the email that showed up in my mailbox yesterday, that and a poem:

Sometimes, when I'm alone, I think about Ketchup,
Because I know that the truth is that its just sitting there in a bottle, by itself.
I'm pretty sure it's red.
Sometimes when I'm with Ketchup, I think about being alone, in a bottle.
Standing next to the mustard all day.

Ketchup? Mustard? WTF?????????????

Attached was a picture of a woman I did not recognize and it was signed Melissa Melendez.

Melissa Melendez

Melissa had the most luscious tits in the whole world, for the longest time I wanted to just bury my face in them, them and her big fat Latin ass, possibly the greatest ass of all time, she was really something special.
I fell in love with her in 1987 and shot her in 2 pictures, Starship Intercourse and Seduction by Fire, I do not remember in which order. Probably Seduction was first because Samantha Strong starred in Starship and as she consumed my life for several years I must of been obsessed with Melissa before Samantha came on the scene.
I did some quick research on Melissa so if you were not around in those days let me introduce her to you before I start my story.
On Porn Stars Blog it says:
Porn Star Melissa Mendez exploded onto the porno scene in late 1984 with a small role in the gender-bending comedy Bootsie. She churned and burned her way through upwards of 50 features before retiring in late 1987. Melissa Mendez is a sensuously sexy woman with exotic Hispanic good looks. Melissa Mendez wore her jet black hair short and spiky, and had a voluptuously ripe body and a pair of no-nonsense bra busters that made people stand up and take notice. Melissa Mendez was the perfect example of the slow-burn type of erotic actress. Melissa Mendez displayed a calm, reserved exterior in her performances that would only gradually melt with the extended attentions
of her partner. Melissa Mendez's gradually building responses would eventually erupt into completely wild sexual hysterics, the cool demeanor replaced with a savage lustful appetite for more. Her sister Lisa also worked in the business for a time, although they never appeared in a scene together. Melissa Mendez ended her retirement in 1991 and returned for some more steamy action, this time a little more round around the edges and with longer hair. Her passion for eroticism never left her, though, and Melissa Mendez showed fans once again why she was one of the favorite starlets of her time.
It then references her appearances in 97 pictures, Rame references 91, busy girl! She also used several different names, like they all do, these included, Melissa, Melissa Gee, Melissa Mellon, Stephanie Stone, Melissa Melendez, Kat Harlow, and Cat Harlow.
OK, so I had this huge hard on for her, in those days we had to shoot everything in San Francisco as Los Angeles was way to dangerous. All of the Talent and crew were flown up and we all stayed in the Oasis Hotel, ah happy days!
In those days movies were all about the star and shooters like myself were only as good as the named stars that would work for us. I had taken a big risk by asking Melissa, a relatively unknown actress, to be the star of Seduction by Fire a high budget feature, which terrified her as she had no acting experience and her scene was with the legendary John Leslie. She and I drove up together, giving me hours of alone time to coach her as an actress and more importantly to try to get into her pants. As we got gradually closer to SF I became more and more obvious in my intentions, or so I thought, but she appeared totally oblivious to my advances not only on the drive up but also for the three days we were there, and on the drive back. The truth is I never got to fuck her, she was one of the few that got away.
Her scene with John was un-fucking-believable, maybe one of the best scenes I ever shot. John, who is probably the best actor ever spawned by this industry, was really on that day. We blindfolded Melissa and John just talked to her, he dominated her and made her masturbate for him then he pulled out his dick and talked to her more as he masturbated and occasionally touched her with his dick. As the scene progressed she began to visibly shake with sexual anticipation, John stretched the tension for 22 minutes before he actually put his penis in her, the scene was awesome.
Now I really wanted her, not only was she incredibly beautiful but she was a star by my creation!

I wrote back, Oh jeez, wow, tell me everything,
I am going to print her reply not to violate her trust but because it is so typical of the girls we foster, adore and casually toss aside.

Gosh, how much do you want to know? I live in xxxxxx, I work in xxxxxx. I am 41 now, I was sober for 6 1/2 years then I experienced a lot of death starting with my sister Lisa, 4 years later my grandma and then 2 weeks after that my mom. I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. I started drinking again, then I was prescribed a lot of pills got addicted again. Died on a street in Hollywood, brought back to life by my second ex-husband. Started working with computers, I designed and I maintain my brothers website, and I have done a few others but it is not what I want to do all of the time. I have no idea what I want to do but I am happy working with these people.

I work for a company that rents stages and equipment for the entertainment industry. I am a receptionist, I took this job because I was living with a boy and I was going to go to school to get certified in child care, but things change, broke up with the jackass and I was made to move from my apartment that I was in for over 7 years.

I exercise a lot now I am not sober but I am not addicted to anything except jelly beans and BBQ. Single, divorced twice, next time I want to be a widow!

How about you?

Her sister Lisa who was also in the business died of AIDs. As heartbreaking as her story is I had to ask her why she didnt fuck me in SF, so I did, she replied
I did not fuck you in SF because I had no idea that you wanted to and I had no idea what the hell I was doing! I was so unaware of myself (still am, but not as bad)

And I thought I was fucking obvious! I guess it must of been the drugs, hers not mine!
She sent me a picture of what she looks like now and you know what? I still want to fuck her!

Remember her? Story tomorrow.

Nadia Neanderthal is a hot new actress currently making the rounds. She does B/G, G/G, A & DP she can also hunt, kill and cook her own lunch. Here's what some of the big names are saying about her.
"Fucks like an animal" Jeff Mullan
"It's TT Boy in a dress" Dirty White Boy
"She ain't eating my pussy" Samantha Strong
"She signed with World Modeling back in the early days" Jim South
You can email me for Nadia's bone number

I am having a problem understanding the concept of spam. I, like most people, have bought/downloaded a couple of filtering systems to avoid receiving it, the spammers constantly write programs to get around the filters, the filters update and so on. Every day spam gets through to my mail box disguised as something else.
Now here is the part I don't understand, do they think that am I now going to read this violation of my mail box and say "hey I could use some junk bonds, or cheap meds, or a house in foreclosure, what clever fellows they are for getting through to me?" Or am I so weak minded that once they get through I can't help myself but to buy whatever they offer?
It has to be working on some folks because Spam is a multi-million dollar business so what the fuck is wrong with people?

Three Indians and three Pakistanis are traveling by train to a Cricket match at the World Cup in South Africa. At the station, the three Indians buy a ticket each and watch as the three Pakistanis buy just one ticket for them all. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Indians. "Watch and learn," answers one of the Pakistanis.

They all board the train. The Indians take their respective seats but all three Pakistani cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Indians see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Pakistani style on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for three on the return trip. To their astonishment, the Pakistanis don't buy ticket at all!! "How come are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Indian. "Watch and learn," answers a Pakistani.

When they board the train the three Indians cram into one toilet and soon after the three Pakistanis cram into another nearby toilet. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Pakistanis leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Indians are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The Pakistani takes the ticket and goes in their toilet.

One Wish
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. When he opened it a genie appeared. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill.
So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the pavement that would be needed, the ecology that would be disturbed. I am afraid sir, that is just too much to ask"
The man agreed and thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one thing that i have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "Do you want that highway with two lanes or four?"

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.
They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."
The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
President Bush laughs, leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future!"

I am supposedly leaving the country within the next ten days. I say supposedly because Mr. Big has some commitment issues, i.e. He won't commit to the plane tickets until everything is written in stone.
I want to spend Christmas with my family in Brazil so I may not be back for months. I am going crazy tying up loose ends and getting everything organized so this blog is once again being ignored, but hopefully I can make up for that once I reach places foreign. There is nothing too exciting about buying tape and light bulbs and checking all of the equipment so I won't bore you with my shit, suffice to say I am totally nuts at the moment.